RJ's School of Wildification
by Wreckilicious
Summary: In an attempt to impress Stella, Tiger asks RJ for help in becoming a wild animal. Can RJ and the gang succeed in teaching the enamored housecat the ways of the woods?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Random idea I had. I wondered what would ever happen if my own cat ever went to live in the woods (she's never even been outside!) and thus this story happened as a result.

* * *

RJ's School of Wildification

Chapter One

"Pssst! Raccoon? Raccoon, hello?"

RJ twitched his eyes open, having been sound asleep in his special tv-viewing chair. As his eyes came into focus, he found himself staring into the giant face of Tiger the Cat.

"You awake?"

RJ sighed heavily. "I am now. And the name's RJ, not Raccoon. How many times do we have to go over this?"

"So sorry, but I am afraid I need your help with something."

"Tiger, for the last time, we don't use litter boxes out here. Go find a dirt pile somewhere if you have to go." He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

"No, that's not it. Come over here." Tiger quietly made his way out of the group circle and into the woods.

RJ groaned, picking himself up and following the huge cat. Normally, he never would have considered following a cat into the dark, but Tiger didn't seem to pose a threat. Besides, he wouldn't hurt one of Stella's friends anyway, not unless he wanted her to kick his butt.

"Okay, now what's this all about that we got to be so secretive?" RJ asked, yawning widely. "I was having a great dream about raiding the world's biggest picnic, so this better be good."

"I want you to teach me to be a wild animal!"

"Say…what?"

"Racoo-RJ…I am a highly domesticated housecat. I have lived with humans all my life. I am accustomed to being hand fed and properly groomed. I am not used to this outdoors life. I feel…inadequate. I am afraid that Stella will leave me if I cannot prove to take care of myself out here."

"And you want me to teach you how?" RJ guessed. "Oh brother."

"Please, I am pleading."

"Shouldn't the word be 'begging'?"

Tiger held his nose in the air in a disgusted manner. "Never. Begging is what those disgusting filthy dogs do. I would not go that low. Pleading, I am content with doing, however."

"I can't even believe I'm having this conversation, but…okay, I'll help you."

"You will?" Tiger asked excitedly. "Oh thank you, thank you!"

"One question? Why not just ask Stella to help you, why me?"

"I cannot ask her! Then she will know of how weak I am. I want her to know nothing of this."

"I can tell this is going to fun already," RJ replied sarcastically. "All right, Kitty, tomorrow we will begin your training!"

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING…

"So let me get this straight," Verne started after RJ told everyone of what Tiger asked of him. "You want us to help teach him to be like us?"

"Exactly! We've been doing this all our lives. Tiger just got started. He's got years to catch up with. There's no way I can do that by myself, as much as it pains me to say."

"Gimme a break," Verne muttered.

"Come on, guys, this could be fun!" RJ exclaimed, trying to get everyone revved up about it. "You could all show off your own skills to him. It'll be like a Show and Tell type thing."

Heather looked at Ozzie. "Dad, _please_ don't embarrass me and go overboard with the "show" part, okay?"

"Jeepers, RJ," Penny began. "I don't see how we can teach him any porcupine tricks. He doesn't have any quills!"

"Or a shell."

"Or nuts!" Hammy shouted, stuffing several in his mouth at that time.

"Guys, you're missing the point. I know he doesn't have any of those things but that's why we must help the poor sap out. It'll be fun!"

"Define, fun."

"Verne, stop being a party pooper. Come on, who's with me!"

Ozzie and Heather raised their paws up first, then Hammy (mostly because he saw others doing it). Lou and his gang eventually raised theirs. Verne looked around at everyone, then sighed, and held his up as well.

"Excellent! Glad we're all on the same page."

Heather piped up, "So, like, what do you want us to do, RJ?"

"Glad you asked that, Heather. I actually need you to do something VERY important," RJ smiled.

"Really?" she grinned widely.

"Yep, I need you and Penny to distract Stella with some kind of Girls' Day Out type thing. You know, where it's just you girls and spend the day together."

Heather's face fell. "That's not really what I had in mind…"

"There, there, honey, you can help me show Tiger how to feign unconsciousness," Ozzie told her.

"On second thought, we could totally raid magazines on how to do our nails!" Heather decided. "Come on, Penny!"

"Have fun there, dear," Lou told his wife as she got dragged away by the enthusiastic she-possum.

"Was it something I said?" Ozzie asked rhetorically.

"Let the School of Wildification begin!" RJ exclaimed, pumping a fist in the air.

"Um, excuse me, wildification? Is that even a word?" Verne asked.

"Sure it is, it has to be, because I just said it."

"Hey, no talking in class, mister!" Spike scolded, shaking a finger at the turtle.

"That's the spirit, kiddo!"


	2. Chapter 2

RJ's School of Wildification

Chapter Two

"Lesson One in Wildification: Always watch your back."

"My back?" Tiger asked, looking behind him in a perplexed manner.

"Yes," RJ nodded. "Because you never know when something might sneak up and pounce."

"RAWRR!" Quillo yelled, attacked Tiger's back suddenly from out of nowhere.

"AHHH!" the cat screamed, jumping away. "You frightened me!"

"Of course, it's always important to watch your front too," RJ continued, signaling Bucky from the other bushes.

"AHHH!"

"Woo-hoo, Tiger makes a fun ride!" Quillo shouted, hanging onto the scruff of Tiger's neck as he bucked around.

"Lesson Two: Defense. Kids, you can hop off now. How do we defend ourselves, you ask? That is what we are all going to show you. Step over this way please."

"Now, the Oz-man here is going to teach you-"

"The art of fooling one's enemies by appearing deceased."

"Er, right, in other words 'play dead'. Observe. The Virginia Opossum is widely known for his/her ability for faking death in the presence of it's enemies."

Spike leaped at Ozzie and went "BOO!"

"Ughhh!" Ozzie went down predictably in a dramatic faint.

"Is he okay?" Tiger whispered, getting giggles from the kids.

"He's just sleeping," Hammy said. "Ooh, a butterfly!"

RJ continued his speech. "Upon encountering possible danger, the Possum collapses to the ground, appearing dead. Once he is certain danger is gone, he simply gets up and goes about his business."

"Do it again!" Quillo whispered to Bucky, who jumped up and went "Boo!" to Ozzie, who immediately fainted once again.

"Hey, hey, that's enough, guys," RJ reprimanded lightly. "Don't give him a real heart attack. All right, Tiger, you try it."

"ME?"

"Yes," the raccoon urged him. "You said you wanted help, now you're getting it. Come on, just try it once."

"It's more fun doing it than simply observing it, trust me," Ozzie added. "I wish I could get Heather to see that."

Tiger gulped. "Okay, here I go."

Unfortunately, Tiger did not pay attention to wear he was falling and happened to land in the middle of a patch of briars. His eyes widened and teared up with pain.

"MRROWR!" he yowled, grabbing his tail section and running full speed out of sight.

"Hey, that's not how you do it!" Ozzie called out.

"Tiger, come back!" RJ yelled, chasing after him.

* * *

"Okay, so the possum thing didn't work out," RJ admitted as he and Lou pulled the thorns out of Tiger's hind quarters. "Let's see if quills will work."

"But I just got thorns stuck in me, I do not want more prickly things," Tiger argued.

"No, no, we're not going to stick them IN you. We're going to stick them ON you." RJ snapped his fingers, signaling the boys.

"Yay, we get to play with glue!" Spike said happily, opening the lid of glue up.

They started dumping the whole bottle all over Tiger's back.

"Ahh, what are you doing? I just bathed this morning!"

"Relax," RJ reassured him. "It's to keep the quills on. Lou, present the extra quills."

"Got them right here for ya," Lou said, handing the raccoon the handful of quills he and Penny had shedded.

"Perfect. Now, we'll just stick them on….like so….voila! A porcu-cat!"

"I think you're making this up as you go along," Verne whispered to RJ.

"Nah, there actually is a script for all this that I meant to write," RJ whispered back.

"Hee hee, he looks cr-aaaaaaa-zy," Hammy laughed.

"No, he looks great," RJ insisted. "Now, the Porcupine defends himself by whacking their enemies with their tails and getting their quills stuck in them before making his escape. Lou, care to demonstrate?"

Lou smacked his tail against a teddy bear that had been brought out for the show. Several quills were now lodged in its soft velvet nose.

"No, not Mr. Teddy!" Hammy cried, running to go pull the quills out. "There there, it'll be okay, Mr. Teddy."

"Want to try, Tiger?" RJ asked.

"Me first, me first!" Bucky called out, swinging his own tail excitedly.

He accidentally tripped and fell backwards on Tiger, inserting his quills into the cat. Tiger screeched in pain, blindingly running forward and knocking himself out on a tree.

"Now, THAT'S how you play possum!" Ozzie said proudly.

To be Continued

SORRY SO SHORT! DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO BE SHORT!


	3. Chapter 3

LAST CHAPTER! Hope y'all enjoy!

* * *

RJ's School of Wildification

Chapter Three

"Okay, so the defense tactics didn't work out so well. So let's do it the old-fashioned way. The television."

"Television?" Verne asked.

"Yeah, all these nature documentaries have lions and other big cats. Those are your relatives, Tiger. In fact, you were named after one of the big cats who is a real tiger. Watch and learn. See those claws? They use them to climb up trees to escape danger or to get high above their prey and jump on them. They also have huge teeth to tear their prey apart."

"Ewwww!" the kids said in unison. "Totally wicked cool!"

"RJ, do you think it's a good idea for Tiger to be watching this?" Verne asked him in a low voice.

"Why, what's the problem?"

"He might get the idea that WE are the prey he's supposed to be after!"

RJ waved it off. "Nonsense, Tiger wouldn't eat us."

"I'm starving," Tiger said. "Anyone for a snack?"

"NO!" everyone yelled, jumping back from him in fright.

Tiger looked at them in a confused manner. "What? What did I say?"

* * *

"As far as food gathering goes, to be a real wild animal you must do it the old-fashioned way first. Hammy, will show you the art of gathering nuts."

"Yay, nuts!" Hammy squealed, racing to the nearest tree.

"There's nothing to this. Just climb up the tree and pick nuts. Piece of cake!"

Tiger looked up at the tall tree and gulped. "If you say so."

Tiger extended his claws and began ascending up the tree. He had never had to do so much work in his life. He struggled to pull himself up. This was so unlike his multi-level platform he had at his old house. Forever seemed to go by as he kept pulling himself up the tree. At this rate, it would be winter by the time he got up there.

"Good job, Tiger. That's four inches in 10 minutes. Another billion inches to go!"

"This is ridiculous," Verne said. "He's a housecat. He's used to being around people. That's who he naturally gets food from."

"I know that but-" RJ started to say but then a light bulb clicked in his head. "Verne, you're a genius!"

"What?"

"Tiger's a cat! A cute fluffy cat that people love! Cats are humans' favorite pets after all! Why didn't I think of this before!"

"Think of what?"

"I'll show you! Tiger, get off that tree, you look silly. Everyone, to the hedge!"

* * *

"Okay, Tiger, forget everything I said about climbing trees."

"Good, my claws were beginning to get scuffed," Tiger said, glancing at his paws while speaking.

"You see those little girls in the wooden stand selling cupcakes?" RJ pointed across the road.

"Oh no," Verne said, burying his face in his hand.

"I need you to go over there and act like the cute cuddly housecat that you are. Kids love cats!"

"And what is this going to do?" Tiger asked.

"They'll feel sorry for you and give you food of course!" RJ explained. "Also, while you get your own food, the rest of us will take advantage of the distraction and take the rest."

"Not again," Verne groaned.

"Go on!" said RJ, pushing the huge cat out into the open. "Get moving! Act natural!"

Tiger approached tentatively toward the human girls. He hadn't been around humans since he joined Stell in the woods. When he got up close enough, he sat down to clear his throat and then meowed at them softly.

The girls turned around to see him. "Aww what a cute little cat!"

"He looks like he's been through a trash dump!"

"Poor thing must be hungry. Here you go, Kitty, have a cupcake!"

Tiger gratefully started nibbling the cupcake. That was the other animals cue to run around and grab the rest of them. Tiger purred and twitched his tail back and forth to keep looking cute so the girls wouldn't turn around and see his friends stealing. Once he was done, he turned and ran back to the hedge to join up with them.

* * *

"Woo-hoo, awesome job, Tiger. That was great," RJ congratulated him. "And man, these cupcakes are the best!"

"Mmm, sprinkles!" Hammy blurted out, sticking an entire cupcake in his mouth.

"That was a magnificent performance," Ozzie put in.

"Performance?" they suddenly heard Stella ask. "What performance?"

The boys all turned and saw Stella standing with her hands on her hips, demanding an explanation. Penny and Heather were behind her, shrugging their shoulders as though they couldn't talk her into staying gone longer.

"What is going on here? Tiger, why do you have glue and quills all over you? And where'd these cupcakes come from?"

"Well, you see, my love, I am learning to become a wild animal."

Stella gave him a blank look. "Are you serious? RJ, did you have anything to do with this?"

"Hey, what makes you think it was MY idea?""Because it's a hare-brained idea just like all your other ones are, that's why!"

Tiger stepped in between RJ and Stella. "No, no. You do not understand. I asked him to help me."

Stella raised an eyebrow up. "You what? But…why?"

"Because I love you and wanted to show that I can live in the woods and take care of myself like you can."

Stella smiled at me. "Tiger, that's really sweet. But you don't need to act all wild and crazy for me. I like you the way you are."

"You do?"

"Yeah! So don't put anymore glue on, it makes you all sticky and gross."

"Well, that was not my idea."

Stella glared at RJ, who cut in with "All right, this is great. Tiger, you have completed your training on Wildification and are now a successful graduate!"

"Wildification?" Stella asked.

"Don't ask," whispered Verne.

THE END


End file.
